Week In Review: The Great Telecommute

Clara's daycare was closed the week before Memorial Day, as Noni took in some very much needed R&R down south of the border. Normally we just fall back on an alternate backup, but she was unavailable for the week as well. When our backup for the backup canceled on us, we started sweating a little. I mean, how were we going to sort that week out with no child care? That would mean one of us had to stay home and take the week off, possibly unpaid! Or does it...

There I go. Thinking again. What have I warned myself about thinking... I posed the issue to my manager and he agreed that it would be OK this once to set my phone up with mobility to the house number and let me remote in from home. After all, I just had to stay on top of my service requests, take calls that come in and be available for questions on issues as they arise. Nothing I can't do from the comfort of my own home!

Now, don't get me wrong. I've read all the literature and all the reports, all coming to the same conclusion that telecommuting is the next best thing since this. Don't click that. But none of them took into account trying to present oneself as an IT professional in the presence of a 3 year old. So, for your entertainment, here are the best WTF moments, presented as a week in review.

Disclaimer: Never let it be said that I didn't warn you of the destructive potential of children.

WTF Moment #1: On the very first day... No... I can't even call it that, because the day had not really started yet. Clara decided that it was time to get up at the butt-crack of 4am. This child goes to bed after we do and wakes up before us. D was good enough to get up and get her ready for me for the day, but shortly after she had left, Clara decided that it was time to wake me up with a vengeance. She dropped trou and let loose (in all senses possible) all over the carpet in the loft. As if to add insult to injury, she tracked it a few times across the air uptake to the central air unit, then burst into my room squealing. I had just changed her into clean clothes and begun to clean that up when she performed an encore downstairs. It was clear that this week was to rock like no other.

WTF Moment #2: As I'm trying to confirm a complicated procedure with a client, Clara runs into my office and, at the very top of her lungs, screams in an otherworldly shrill voice "DADDY I POO POO ON FLOOR EWW STINKY!" I'm glad I didn't have to explain that one to the customer: she'd already had three of her own and saluted my efforts in attempting to work from home with a toddler.

WTF Moment #3: After logging into the call queue for the morning, I hear a scuffle in the kitchen, followed by a loud thud and a yelping dog. I go over to the dining area to find Clara with a salt shaker, no doubt procured from the cabinets above and, after using Suzie to break her fall from the counter, began lightly salting herself and the carpet and tasting it. I asked her what she was doing, to which she could only respond by looking cute and stating that it "need salt."

WTF Moment #4: Clara has been pretty good with potty-training, despite my ranting on here to the contrary. It's only the mornings and while she's sleeping that get her. Most of the time, she goes to the restroom all by herself and only needs some help getting dressed afterward. So it's not unusual to hear the toilet flush at random. It is unusual to hear it flush 4-5 times in a row in quick succession, followed by some angry backtalk from the plumbing. Artur always said "Plumbing don't talk," so I decided to see what my child had summoned. Turns out, whatever it was, she was trying to appease it by feeding it toilet paper. She had placed one end of the roll into the toilet, and was watching it spin wildly as she flushed. When she saw I wasn't anywhere remotely as amused as she was, she tried to explain herself, saying "Daddy, potty eating! Om Nom Nom!"

I couldn't help by crack a smile.

Cut To The Chase

You will never believe what happened to me this morning! I hardly believe it myself. I was going about my morning routine: washing up, prepping Clara, getting ready for work - when I heard a strange noise from the downstairs living room. It sounded like someone was shuffling through the drawers in the kitchen. Colin had long since left for school. I grabbed a camping knife I keep upstairs and slowly crept down the staircase. There was a tall man in the kitchen, rummaging through the junk drawer: I wasn't alone in the house...

Just as soon as he realized I had caught him, he bolted out the front door and into the hazy morning. It was just instinct to run after him. I chased him down the block, around the corner and down the main street. Adrenaline fed my heart and feet, and I slowly gained on him as he fled into the wooded area west of the neighborhood. He vaulted over the brush, but I still recklessly pursued him into the forest. Try as I might, however, I lost sight of him, and track of my surroundings.

Lost. In the middle of the woods. On a work day. Chasing some no-doubt crazy person I caught in my home. Only me...

The trail suddenly went from stone cold to on fire: the man had tried to get behind me and run the other way while I had lost sight of him. He, however, didn't see the large tree branch on the ground, tripped and landed with a thud. I ran toward the commotion just in time to see him get back to his feet. This was my chance! I ran at him with everything I had and shoulder slammed him face first into the dirt.

“Game over, asshole!” I said as I stood over him, knife in hand. At first, he was very stunned as he held his bleeding nose, but to my surprise he began to laugh. Admittedly, this had me a little rattled. It was all I could to keep from kicking him. “And what’s so funny?” He replied, through his bloodied nose and laughter, “Read the first word of each paragraph!”

Weekend Intelligence: Campfire Rule

It had been several years since the last time I'd been camping and fishing, but I finally broke that this weekend. While we didn't really catch much of anything, Colin and I had a great time up at Pace Bend. So, in typical weekend intelligence fashion, here are the highlights.

It didn't take much to get the Vue packed up and readied early Saturday morning. Colin was up at the crack of dawn, and very excited to get going. We had spent much of the past week cleaning the garage, packing clothes and gear for the trip and staging everything we'd need in the newly-cleaned garage. The day before the trip, D decided she didn't want to go, so it was just going to be Colin and I, which made it a father-son trip of the sort we'd never had before.

After a quick breakfast at Whataburger, we struck out north. It took almost two hours to reach the park. This was going to be great: setup camp, maybe some mid-afternoon fishing and brews... This is when I looked behind me and started to wonder where the fishing poles were. -.-; In the craziness that was trying to get everything else ready, I had forgotten to pack them! We took a small detour into a nearby town to visit their local Target store. Colin got one of those slingshot fishing pole launcher hooberwhatsits, so he was arguably happier than if we had brought his boring old neon green one that was mine when I was his age. A quick stop for lunch and we were back on the trail.

We met up with Didi (one of D's friends from HS) who had been there since the night before. She was there with her guy and had put the word out for several of their friends to stop in. After getting the massive tent set up and the gear moved into it, we packed a few beers and hit the shores. Didi was really the only one who caught anything - a handful of brim and a baby wide-mouth bass. The rest of us got a few hits on the line, but nothing to pull in. It was all good though, as Colin had a blast and the rest of us had a reason to drink. ;)

When we got back, a few more people had showed up, and we decided to get the campfire started. We cooked hot dogs and s'mores, sat, drank and BS'ed well into the late evening hours. Haven't had relaxation on that level in quite a while. After it was dark, we decided to stumble down to the shore one more time to try to catch catfish. No catfish, but the cliff side rocks bit me good as I lost my footing in a break in the rocks and dashed my shin on them. I'm sure the SoCo had nothing to do with it.

When we got back to camp, we watched the fire slowly die out before calling it a night. We started to dispose of burnable trash in the fire, when Colin asked what could and couldn't be thrown in. I gave him the simple rundown of the campfire burnables rule:

• If it burns, burn it.
• If you're not sure that it burns, burn it anyway.
• If you know it doesn't burn, throw it away.

And we wondered why we had a pretty green sheen on all the hot dogs. :P

Well, the weekend is now over, and I'm glad we had a good time together. Colin can't wait for the next time we go out camping, and who knows? Maybe we'll even be able to convince his mom to come with.